Nurture

To keep myself and a friend blogging I thought we would try a blog support group.

Here is how I think it can work.

1. Create a support group tag.
2. Gather several others interested. I think the ideal number is less than 7.
3. Set a personal goal (x per week feels right). Share it on twitter with the group (via tag or cc).
4. When you craft a blog post, tweet the link and tag it or cc the group.
5. If you are stuck or need ideas, ask 1 person in your group for help.
6. Checkin with each other weekly. Pick a day – say, Friday, to see if you hit your goals. Did others? Check the tag regularly.
7. Some people need carrots – so what reward do they want for hitting their goal? Have the others in the group give them a #chocolate, for example. Some people need sticks, so if they don’t hit their goal, they have to xxxx. (leave a comment on someone’s blog, pay $ into a kitty, etc) They must decide their stick.

Set a time period for the group commitment. Say 3 months. Review each month and modify as necessary. You are each accountable to each other here. This is not an excuse to make someone else your personal manager. It is to increase your support and leverage peer pressure and public commitment (both of which are strong influences on our behaviors…see Cialdini).

Thanks! And happy blogging.

I think of myself as nurturing networks and communities as well as individuals and organizations. And one strategy I use is network weaving. Network Weaving describes the connection made between two people I know who don’t yet know each other as closing a triangle, because in a network map, this is exactly what it looks like!

Here, in this post, I want to talk specifically about my practice of making introductions. I had been connecting people for a long time before I met Ken Homer, but his introduction format really set the bar for me. When he introduced me to another one of his connections, I felt like I was glowing! Wow, that is how I want people to feel when I connect them.

Sure, I want them to feel good and associate that with me. Less egotistically, I want the time I take to make an introduction to be time well spent for all of us. I want them to feel great about connecting to the person I introduce them too. I want it to be useful all around. This is not about quantity for me, it is about quality. So, here is the pattern I use, developed in part through what Ken demonstrated.

I described it on twitter today.

1. describing strengths of each
   After stating the purpose of the email (useful for any and all starts to email conversation), describe relevant and positive strengths of each person to each other.
   My wording for this is usually, “Person A, please allow me to introduce you to Person B. Person B is passionate about x, has terrific skills in y, and wants to explore z. ” Followed by the inverse, “Person B, please allow me to introduce you to Person A. Person A is passionate about m, has terrific skills in n, and wants to explore o.” This is a rough format, each one is different, but they all fit within that general pattern. Also, the adjectives are always chosen to fit the people I am describing. Use your own.
2. point to alignment & mutual benefit
   I like to point to something that makes the people I am connecting clear about what they have in common. I don’t mean that they both read books. I mean that they are both within a particular field or sub-domain, know people in common, or have a similar passion about making the world a better place (and do so coming from a similar mindset).
   I also like to point out what I imagine might be the mutually beneficial initial outcome from each party taking the time to make the connection. It might not be what actually happens, but it gives them some sense of why I am making the connection and what each might gain from it.
3. name small first step
   Sometimes I forget to leave this in. However, after receiving several wonderful network weaving emails from others, I realized how vital this is. I received some letters, saw the alignment, and yet I might not know what to do about it. So in my introduction, I have been adding some suggestion for a first step – “In a 15 minute phone call, I think you could discuss your shared interest in x.”
   That examples covers part of #2 and also #3. It doesn’t have to be long. Often I might have had an extended discussion with one of the parties, so I can point to what I have refined as a conversation starter for them.

I find that this often makes clear too what role I want one to play to the other. Maybe I am asking Person A to mentor Person B on a subject area. Or maybe I want Person B to introduce Person A to someone within their network who can help in a more targeted fashion. Being clear on roles can help people feel the respect I am offering them as well as make choices about what they want to be.

I hope these patterns help you make connections between two people.

Celebrating Beth’s birthday today!

Wish her a Happy Birthday Monday on Twitter with: “Happy birthday #beth53! Let’s send 53 Cambodian kids to school: http://bit.ly/beth53″

Beth Kanter. Her name comes up anytime nonprofit professionals and the consultants who serve them have a discussion about social media. And her name recognition is well-founded. First, she has her own cause that she has repeatedly demonstrated success at drawing attention to, and fundraising for, in fun, inventive, and interesting ways. Second, she listens to the community around her, gives us voice to both ourselves and others, as well as reflecting back to us the wisdom she hears from us. She is prolific and visible in a way that makes us in awe of her time management and relationship navigation skills. She is viciously smart in discerning what it is about things that makes them work, and incredibly clear and patient in her communication to those of us who don’t yet get it.

Thank you Beth. And Happy Birthday!

I bet, if you read or know me, you probably expect me to advocate for happiness.

I don’t.

Here is why.

If you came to me and said, Jean, I want more than anything to be happy. This is what I would do:

Give me everything you have. I am going to flog you.

“But, Jean!” I hear you say.

Happiness is a relative state. If you want to be happy tomorrow, then making you really miserable today can lead to that. So if tomorrow I then don’t flog you and return some of your things to you, it is likely that you will be happy! (Timelines may vary.) Do you see how incredibly messed up that can make us?

I have been bothered by the idea of happiness for a long time, but it wasn’t until I started reading Satisfaction by Gregory Berns MD PhD that I understood why. He explains how people who win the lottery don’t usually have enduring happiness. And how people who suffer traumatic loss find happiness. Happiness does not come about at some permanent threshold of having or knowing. It is by judging where we are now against where we recently have been. It is something we choose. Something we get by deciding what we want to notice about our present and what we want to compare it to in our past (or imagined future for that matter).

This resonates too with what I learned through NLP Coach training. I can shift to a state of happiness through several means – creating a different context for what I am focused on, a different perspective to view it from, or bringing to the present a state I have experienced in the past or can imagine experiencing in the future. It is all about setting the terms for the comparison.

Fulfillment, satisfaction, flow, these are terms that have more depth and meaning in them. These are more accurate descriptions, I think, for the desired state we want to achieve at a personal level.

I am not interested in living in a happy world. And I think in many ways the problems we face today are created by efforts to live in a happy world. Giving our kids candy makes them happy. Maybe playing video games all day makes some of us happy. Is that a good measure of the world we want? Does that lead the system to create a harmonious flow for individuals and our collective? I want to live in a fulfilling world of flow. Don’t you?

Between Jerry sending me the book “The Gift of Thanks: The Roots and Rituals of Gratitude” and David Rose saying “wand of gratitude” I have to embrace my role as a freaky gratitude fairy. And I want a wand! Not that I think some magic dust will make everything alright. It won’t. Not that I think the right snap of my wrist dancing the wand will make something transport to the world of Harry Potter. No, I want the wand because it acts as an anchor.  An object that can remind me (and others) that gratitude is part of the alchemy of connection.

Maybe I will make myself one. I have the craft supplies.

When I wave this wand of gratitude I want two things to happen:

1. the gratitude I feel towards someone will be known and felt by any who witness it
2. the person toward whom I direct the wand will recognize the gratitude they have

Because of these two things, we will recognize the value, tangible and intangible in what we have together and individually. And recognizing that value will make it clear how very precious it is.

I wave my wand of gratitude over you.